Denne uken blir det et innlegg med tittel: 5 grunner til hvorfor unngå en narsissist. Og innlegget er et utdrag fra en fagartikkel som opplevdes veldig nyttig å lese, og som ga meg lett forståelig informasjon. Og jeg tenker derfor at dette innlegget vil være nyttig for flere enn meg. Tittelen; 5 grunner til hvorfor unngå en narsissist, gjenspeiler fagartikkelens tema, som er å unngå forhold med en person med narsissistiske trekk. For selv hvor mye de forteller deg at de elsker deg, så vil de tilslutt mishandle deg.
Fagartikkelen er skrevet av den anerkjente amerikanske gestaltterapeuten Elinor Greenberg, PhD, CGP, som har spesialfelt narsissistisk personlighetsforstyrrelse og andre personlighetsforstyrrelser. Hun har fått publisert mange gode fagartikler om disse temaene, og flere av dem har jeg utdrag av på bloggen. Les mer om Elinor Greenberg nederst på siden. Lenke til hele fagartikkelen finner du også nederst på siden. Innlegget i dag er på engelsk.
Hvorfor unngå et forhold med en narsissist
Elinor Greenberg forklarer det slik:
KEY POINTS
- Narcissists eventually devalue their partner, no matter how wonderful the partner is.
- It is difficult for people with NPD to transition from a self-centered view of life to a more couple-centered view.
- A romantic relationship with a partner who has narcissistic personality disorder is likely to become exhausting and debilitating.
How badly will they treat you? What will they do?
In general, narcissists use the same relationship behaviors with all their mates. If you listen closely to how they talk about their former mates, why they broke up, who is to blame, and what they did to retaliate, you will have a fairly reliable preview of how they will act with you once the bloom is off the rose. This means that if they have a history of violence, harassment, infidelity, acrimonious and lengthy divorces, or any other unpleasant relationship behaviors, that is probably what you can eventually expect from them.
Also, please listen to how they talk about other people in general. If they have very few true friends and tend to devalue almost everyone, including the waiter, eventually it will be your turn.
5 things that you need to know before you enter a relationship with a narcissist
If I had only five things to tell you about having a long-term intimate relationship with a partner who has a narcissistic personality disorder, they would be:
- After the courtship is over, your narcissistic mate will start to insult and devalue you, no matter how much he or she claims to love you.
- You will be blamed for many things that are not your fault.
- Your narcissistic mate will pick serious fights over truly trivial matters—like the way you loaded the dishwasher.
- If you do not have firm boundaries and your strategy is to keep giving in to avoid fights, things will only get worse.
- Your love and empathy will not make a difference. This is not a situation that love can cure.
Greenberg forklarer videre
One of the problems of being in a relationship with someone with a narcissistic personality disorder is that narcissists are all about themselves. They are only capable of what I call “me relationships.” In a “me relationship,” people only view events in terms of “How does this affect me? Am I getting what I want?” In a “we relationship,” there is a transition from the “me” to the “we.”
In “we relationships,” both partners see each other ar as equals, and both expect to be treated in a fair and respectful fashion. In a successful “we relationship,” both partners are willing to sacrifice some of what they individually want in order to support the happiness of their mate. As a result, there are few, if any, power struggles and attempts to control the other person.
Unfortunately, the majority of narcissists are unable to transition from their usual “me relationship” to a “we relationship.” No matter how clever they may be in other areas of their life, they are curiously unable to understand the impact of their selfish behavior on the long-term health of their intimate relationships.
Narcissists unfairly blame their partners
Not only will you find yourself in the “it” position in a relationship with a narcissist, but your narcissistic partner will also try to convince you that you are to blame for everything that goes wrong. They will claim that you are defective and that devaluing you and ignoring your opinions is justified. No matter how well they make their case and how much you want to give them the benefit of the doubt, what is actually happening is that you are being emotionally abused and unfairly blamed.
Narcissists are unwilling to apologize or take responsibility for their mistakes for reasons that actually have very little to do with you. The real reasons for their behavior stem from their disorder and events in their childhood. Your behaviors might trigger their rage, but you are not the cause. The damage happened long before they met you.
Learn to ignore the rationalizations of their abusive behavior
You will be told ridiculous and insulting things about yourself that are all intended to support their opinions and right to devalue you. If they are angry with you, they will try to make you feel stupid. If you disagree with them, they will try to make you feel stupid and wrong. Do not pay attention.
I will say it again: It is not really about you at all. They would eventually say these things even if you had three Ph.D.s, were incredibly attractive, and had just won the Nobel Prize.
Oppsummert hvorfor unngå en narsissist
Intimate relationships with people who have narcissistic personality disorders eventually become exhausting and debilitating. The non-narcissistic partner ends up playing defense. Over time, the partner’s sense of well-being and trust in their narcissistic mate will be eroded by the constant bickering and devaluation. If you would like to not be driven crazy by nonsense, when the devaluing starts, take this as a signal that it is time to leave. The best long-term romantic relationship with a narcissist is the one you decline to have.
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