Mange av mine klienter er fortvilet for hvorfor de alltid får skylden av sine relasjons-tyranner for det som ikke fungerer i forholdet. Og de forstår ikke hvorfor det er slik, eller hva de kan gjøre for å endre på dette. Og det har gitt meg inspirasjon til et innlegg med tittel; Hvorfor narsissisten gir deg skylden. Jeg har selv erfart å få skylda og ansvaret for det som gikk galt i et destruktivt forhold, og kan dermed veldig godt forstå mine klienters fortvilelse med dette. Innlegget i dag med tittelen “hvorfor narsissisten gir deg skylden” er hentet fra en engelsk fagartikkel som opplevdes veldig nyttig å lese om dette temaet. Den ga meg svarene jeg trengte for å forstå. Og som jeg derfor fikk lyst til å dele et utdrag av på bloggen. Artikkelen gir også tips til hvordan håndtere denne problematikken, og de finner du i lenken nederst i innlegget.
Fagartikkelen jeg refererer til idag, er skrevet av den anerkjente amerikanske gestaltterapeuten Elinor Greenberg Ph.D, CGP, som har spesialfelt NPD og andre personlighetsforstyrrelser. Hun har fått publisert mange viktige fagartikler i sitt spesialfelt, og flere av dem har jeg gjengitt et utdrag av på bloggen. Nederst i dette innlegget, finner du lenke til hele fagartikkelen. Innlegget er på engelsk.
Les også: Hva er narsissistisk personlighetsforstyrrelse
Hvorfor narsissisten gir deg skylden
If you are wondering why your narcissistic mate blames you for everything that goes wrong no matter who is at fault, the answer is simple: People who have narcissistic personality disorder cannot tolerate the idea that they might be to blame, so they accuse someone else instead.
Why do people with narcissistic personality disorder care so much about who is to blame?
Here are some concepts that can help explain why blame plays such a big role in relationships with Narcissists. (Note: I am using the terms “narcissist” and “narcissistic» as shorthand for Narcissistic Personality Disorder).
Our Inner Guiding Voice
As humans, we come equipped with the capacity to develop an internal guiding voice that praises and punishes our behaviors. This inner voice is programmed during our childhood based on a combination of three things:
- How our parents treated us.
- Our inborn temperament.
- Our interpretation of what our parents thought worthy of praise or criticism.
Ideally, this inner voice is realistic and rewards us with praise when we do the right thing and punishes us with shame or guilt when we do something wrong. And ideally the rewards and punishments are proportionate to the behavior. Our inner guiding voice is supposed to substitute for our parents’ guidance and thus allow us to live independently.
Sigmund Freud (1856–1939), the “Father of Psychoanalysis,” called this voice our Super-Ego. Some people think of it as their conscience. Other people see it as the spark of the Divine in each of us that teaches us right from wrong.
The Narcissist’s Inner Voice
Unfortunately, people with narcissistic personality disorder have internalized an overly harsh, perfectionistic, and devaluing internal voice. This voice rarely doles out praise. Nothing is ever quite good enough to win its approval for very long—and no mistake is too trivial to punish severely.
Self-Blame Leads to Shame
Because narcissists’ inner guiding voice is so critical and harsh, narcissists try to avoid all responsibility for anything that goes wrong. In order to avoid self-hatred, they project the blame onto someone else. If they do not successfully shift the blame, then they may find themselves drowning in a pit of self-loathing and shame. This usually leads them to spiral down into a shame-based self-hating depression. In addition, they unconsciously fear that their mistakes will be used by you or other people to publicly humiliate them.
Once narcissists sink into a self-hating depression, they lose touch with anything good about themselves. They see themselves as all-bad—as worthless, defective, losers.
Naturally, with deep shame always lurking around the edges of their psyche and an inner critical voice that unfairly and severely punishes them, narcissists learn early in life to never take the blame for their mistakes. Instead, when anything is amiss, they quickly blame someone else. If you are their lover or mate, you are the one that is likely to be blamed—no matter how farfetched this seems.
Oppsummert hvorfor narsissisten alltid gir deg skylden
The reason your narcissistic mate automatically blames you for things that are not your fault, can be expressed as a simple equation: Blame + Shame = Self-Hatred. Your mate shifts the blame onto you to avoid being condemned as worthless garbage by his or her own overly harsh and devaluing inner voice. There are things you can do to minimize fights, but unfortunately, they all focus on making your mate more comfortable. This will benefit you in the long run, but their success depends on you literally ignoring your mate’s taunts and your own hurt feelings. Instead you have to act as a combination of a good parent and a psychotherapist. If you do not want to spend the rest of your life helping to manage your mate’s self-esteem at your own expense, you should probably seriously consider leaving this relationship.
Her er lenke til hele fagartikkelen:
Her kan du lese om Elinor Greenberg:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/contributors/elinor-greenberg-phd
